Thank you for contacting the customer service hotline of humanvalueestimator.gov, America’s number 1 assessor of total human worth based on a combination of social media metrics, quantifiable data analysis, and our internationally celebrated You Can Always Matter More algorithm. We are always happy to serve our evolving network of citizens. To speak with an account representative please select from the following list of options:

For citizens rated 9.9-10, press 1

For citizens rated 9.0-9.8, press 2

For citizens rated 7.5-8.9, press 3

For citizens rated 4.5-7.4, press 4

Remaining citizens must hang up and send an email to unimportant@humanvalueestimator.com where current response time is between 4 to 6 weeks.

Thank you for selecting 4. You are in group D: average.

Please enter your 9 digit code now.

Thank you Miss C. Emerson, value score 4.6, value group D: average, alpha subgroup homely, beta subgroup lazy.

We have noted that your value score has lowered from 6.4 by 1.8 value points this month due to

  1. One month without full time employment: minus score 0.4
  2. Bank account under national average: minus score 0.3
  3. Interaction with an unimportant, category Facebook: minus score 0.3
  4. Interaction with an unimportant, category telephone: minus score 0.3
  5. Non-attractive weight increase, minus score: 0.2
  6. Purchase of McDonalds, minus score: 0 .1
  7. Purchase of Burger King, minus score: 0.1
  8. Net loss of Twitter followers minus score 0.1

As of today you are dangerously close to being reassigned to value group E: unimportant, alpha subgroup ugly, beta subgroup slacker. To avoid reassignment please increase your score within 10 days to avoid automated value loss of 0.05 per day.

Please select your reason for calling:

To contest a change in value score, press 1

To document a life event which will raise your value score, press 2

To document a life event which will lower your value score, press 3

To request an official transcript of your value score for a potential employer, relationship partner subgroup monogamous, relationship partner subgroup causal, or relationship partner subgroup platonic, please press 4

Thank you for selecting 4

Because of increased concern from the Department of American Exceptionalism, we are unable to process requests for official transcripts for any citizens with a value score under 4.85, aka minimally acceptable value, aka MAV. Until your value score reaches MAV you are prohibited from applying for new work, attempting to forge new interpersonal relationships either sexual or platonic, and from communicating via approved American social networks with any citizen with a value score above MAV.

We encourage you to visit our website, www.humanvalueestimator.gov/MAV/FAQ for a list of methods for avoiding value attrition.

We regret to inform you that until your value score reaches MAV your money chip will be limited to purchases for food and bills subcategory vital only. Any attempted purchases from banned subcategories will result in a value loss of 0.5.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. We are always happy to serve you.

1 comment

  1. Jessica says:

    Jun 3, 2014


    Raul, I LOVE this. Amazing. Great stuff!

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© Raul Rafael Alvarez